It feels like a reset. A reboot on every level. Things I thought I knew for certain, I now question.
The things I measured myself against have either been removed or are slowly but surely being dismantled. The performance charters that still often rule my thinking aren't giving up the fight easily that's for sure and I frequently feel disoriented and displaced. Some deeply ingrained ways and patterns of thinking I wonder if I'll ever be free from.
What I gave myself wholeheartedly to for much of my life hasn't given me the certainty I craved - which I naively and unquestioningly believed it would. Decades of dogged loyalty and often blind fear-based conformance. For what really? Was it all meant to bring me to this place in my life - to the collapse of 'my world'. As it's been said, unless something dies, something new can't be born.
At times there is the flicker of a growing sense of inner peace. And this, against a backdrop of less 'certainty' and dogmatic beliefs. A little less fear. A little less need to prove what I believe is right. A little less dualistic in my outlooks and opinions. And hopefully finding it easier to say, "I don't know", to life's big questions (especially to my kids) and realising that's not the end - for myself or them. Hopefully becoming a bit more accustomed to and content with mystery and the unanswerable.
However minuscule, some sense of hope is rising. Hope, that this universe has an incumbent purpose and meaning. A hope, that in the end, all things will come together.
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