It's often hard to find the balance between healthy contemplation and soul-destroying introspection. Of over-thinking stuff. Where we feel like we're being sucked into a hole. Life seems to be a crazy mix of special moments, regrets, what-ifs, confusion, clarity, doubt, stiff-upper-lip resolve, tenderness, empathy, anger, generosity, scorekeeping, genuine love, introspection, kindness, bitterness, questions, fear, trust, abuse, hope…
There's so much I can't make sense of but I'm hopefully learning – (some days better than others) - to give into and trust Providence. Whenever I lose sight of this – that there's a Creator or Spiritual Being holding all things (good and 'bad') – I get sick. I take back 'control' out of fear. But here's the thing – it seems that God must lead us into darkness. Where we almost certainly think he's left us. Where the voice of doubt gets very loud. Where my lying (especially to myself) and pretense finally fade away. Where we stare our deepest fears in the face. Yes, even the biggest one of whether 'God' is real at all – or whether this is all one big sick lie and then we die.
I am now more or less convinced this is where God – (or whatever you want to call him) – must work in us. We're far too good at getting in the way. It seems he must work in us while we're not aware. Then… hopefully… one day we see something… something unexpected… something beautiful… and we realise it wasn't of our doing. It's NOT because we went to 'church', read our bible or prayed more. No. It's just his providence. Love outwitting us and saying… "See. The true Gospel is true. It IS good news for all – and not conditional on your performance clipboard, your definition of 'success' or attempts at pleasing me."
Even though we've heard much of this before I think it takes a long time to actually 'see' and 'believe'. And that's ok. I sincerely hope so anyhow. Unfortunately the false gospel that you, I and many others absorbed over the years, has deeply pickled and hamstrung us. Mystery and Wonder have departed and with it, trust.
I think real Hope and Faith will show themselves again – (or maybe for the first time) – when we least expect it. That's my 'hope'… although very very fragile.